Chi’s Neighborhood

I've come down with the worse cold i've had in a while. Of course I stayed home to take care of des and in turn got terribly ill.

Now it hits me, I'm alone.
I have no one to take care of me. No one to hold me when I'm shivering.
I know I try to act independent at time, but everyone needs some TLC. Where's mine?

i'm usually stuck working on this day and it never really bothers me but this year- for the first time it did. I mean I got to have brunch with good friends and my little one. But once again I was reminded that I have no one. I'm essentially alone. I was just lucky that my friends were around at the right time.

my mom is away, so its not like I could've made this day about her...

I just felt alone.

Sorry, i've neglected my blog once again. I guess I  just haven't had the time. Trust me I've had a lot going on- well a lot of nothing. lol I've just been working a lot!!!

I'm finally getting rid of the dreaded roommate. so I finally have my whole apartment to myself. Now I just have to try to raise the money to do what I want with it. Not just decorations, i mean i have to knock walls down- rebuild the bathroom that i hate and eventually get to my kitchen.

We sort of adopted a Doggie. One of my friends could no longer take care of her dog because of her new baby. so we (Des and I) decided to take him in. He's already bitten me once but besides that he's getting used to us.

Ugh, someone else--- actually more than one person has asked me, once again, why i'm single- and why i'm not married.

is it so hard to believe? i swear i think that they think i'm not into men anymore.

maybe it's because i've always been in a relationship. or whatever it is- i'm tired of hearing it.

I'm not single because i want to be. it's not like i'm whoring around. I'm a homebody. I don't mind being home.

So why am i single? maybe cuz i give too much attention to those that don't deserve it and not enough to those that do.

it's been said that “A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one”.

I guess it's taken me some time to realize that, and that's why i'm still alone. I know what it is to be unconditionally loved- and i miss that.

;-)

For a while I had been on cloud 9. Boasting about how good things were going inmy life. I was (still am- sort of) content with my life. Things were running smoothly, I was having a good time and just living day to days trying not to concentrate on the things that can easily depress me (growing old alone).
well, right when I thought things were going fine, my house begins to fall apart. I thought postive thinking brings postive things into ur life- did I truly neglect to appreciate things back at home that God had to go and allow this roof to leak and destroy one of the bedrooms in my house? Lol I know it seems farfetched, but I truly feel like things happen for a reason, so what was the reason?

I figured- i've been wanting to renovate for some time now, I have also wanted to rid of my roommate for a while and now that her room is messed up and needs to be repaired I have a good reason to tell her to leave.

This whole nonsense with my house has really helped me get my mind off of everything else.
everything else being- my lack of a personal relationship.

I've always been the one looking for love, I wanted to get married and settle down more than anything. I think it hasn't worked out for me so many times that I just gave up. I'm working on me and my home that I honestly don't even think I want it anymore. I know what it is to love and be loved unconditionally, but the innocence is gone. Trust and everything else is hard to fathom.
thinking about it sucks. So that's why i've tried to stop.

I've loved, and given my heart to people and i'm honestly tired of it. I'm tired of giving myself to someone and hoping that they do the same for me.
i'm not a quitter, but i'm not dense. If things are going my way rightaway I move on. Maybe it's my ADD or it's my history of me easily getting what I want that I just refuse to work too hard for something.
that sounded like something a lazy person would say. I just feel like i've accomplished quite a bit- and it all required had work, but I always saw rewards for things as soon as I began to put an effort. Its different now as an adult. Everyone is trying hard and I almost feel like i'm just not being seen- when that's the case I rather crawl into a hole and stay invisible.

so, back to my title- when it rains it pours. Things were good- great. then it rained on my roof- that leaked. Lol and things went downhill from there...

Whatha!
I'm so confused!
I don't know how i'm supposed to be feeling or what to do next in my life.
Just the other day I had someone tell me that i've been acting like I need a man in my life- and that's out of character for me. I've always given the impression that i'm independent and don't need anyone to make me happy. I believe it's true though. I know that I don't need anyone else in my life to make me feel complete. BUT- do I? I do love to feel loved and needed. I want to be affection with the person I love.
So, in order to get away from my daily pressures- I escaped to my dad's house to spend time with my family.
they begin to ask questions about my job, like they always do. I have sort of a manly/agressive job. They still see me as their little princess- so they sort of wished I wouldve picked a different profession, but i've invested so much time and effort I think it would be foolish to walk away from my career now.
Then they go to the next usual question. "do you have a boyfriend?"
ugh- no... why not? Cuz i'm picky as hell, because i'm not attracted to the men that are offering me the world. My stepmom actually said she wasn't attracted to my dad when she first met him- wow. they've been married for 22 years now. Lol
so what does that mean? Should I settle with someone that I really don't like too much now- in hopes that I will love them later? Or try to be with someone I know I will love or already love and deal with the struggles- knowing that I won't be able to live my life to its full potential.
Grr- i'm approaching the age where I should be with the man I want to share the rest of my life with- I thought I would be married already, maybe working on having a child.
And here I am- a grown ass woman, staying over her daddy's house like if she was still 12 years old. Dealing with questions that make me question myself.
fml

"Do you believe ignorance is bliss?"

oh yes.... Sometimes I feel like being smart is what causes my suffering- I tend to overthink and over analyze...

But- recently I had my better half remind me how fortunate I am for being able to think and being born in a time where we are able to say and act how we feel.

so i'm happy that I have a brain- but sometimes I wish I didn't know so much or want to know so much...

"What one thing, without fail, puts you in a bad mood?"

hmm, there are so many things-
i'm sure someone else can answer this better, BUT:

-People cutting me off- in a conversation. Almost disputing what I say without hearing me out.

-People not believing me...

-Or arguing with me without hearing me out ( I honestly think- if i'm arguing, i'm usually right- otherwise I wouldn't bother arguing)...

-being smothered.

-oh man there are a lot more things,
lack of coffee.

-waking up late

ayayay- what else... Lol

So yea- Everything has been going good... I think everyone knows that already. lol

Well, i had mentioned before that there have been a few things here and there that- if i allowed it to- would stress me out and bring my mood down.

Well today, the opportunity presented itself once again.

I almost let it get to me. I felt some regret after i did something, that I thought was- hmm I dunno, showing too much effort...

Don't worry i didn't do anything that anyone else would regret. lol I just felt like I was giving too much of myself once again, to someone that didn't appreciate it. After I left and went to hang out with another friend I started to realize it- I'm doing too much.

I've been told that i take things too personal. Part of one of my agreements was to not take things personal nor assume. So that's what I'm trying to do.

ok, ladies- please answer this.

If there's a guy you like, you express how you feel about him. He said the feelings are somewhat mutual but the timing isn't right. Yet, you're made to feel like a stalker when you try to contact him or feel like you're getting jealous whenever he's spending time with anyone else.  What do you do?

I've pretty much gotten the hint. I'vementioned many times before, if someone likes you they will let you know, if someone wants to be with you then they will. If not, then that's it.

Well, I've gotten to the "that's it" part. I've mentioned before that "I quit". I've never felt like I was stressing someone like this- atleast not in my adult years. lol

I have people that are willing to do anything for me, anything to make me happy to see me smile- yet, I'm waiting around hoping that something will come of nothing.

It's weird, i know I sound crazy- but there has to be someone out there with a similar situation.

I'm just going to get back out there and play "the game" lol, as much as i didn't want to- I'm not going to sit at home waiting on anyone. and I have been enjoying my time with friends.

I wish i could say "I'm sooo over it"- I know i'm not, but I do know that I will be, and very soon. lol

so as i was saying when i first started the blog- I'm not gonna let it get to me.

ttyl- i'm gonna go se emy tatto artist now- let's see what we come up with

I went into this weekend thinking "Life has been going pretty good, let's keep it going."

I realized I was creating the little stresses in my life. You choose what you want in life. You're the one that blows things out of proportion, you choose to keep people in your life- even if you know they're not good for you...

Anyway, I went into this weekend wanting to just let loose and enjoy every minute- and that I did...

Went out for drinks on Friday with coworkers- then caught up with a friend...

Went for a run on Saturday then went out to party with my bestest friend and made a friend in the process.

Though it was the venue I had in mind- it's not about where you are but who you're with- and I had a ball!

Sunday- got up, worked out at home, went out and played some tennis (I've never really played tennis, and i was actually getting pretty good this weekend), after the game I met up with another friend and went for a run on a beautiful afternoon.

I could've stayed home and dwelled and the minor things going on in my life- but why?

Mid-week i was stressing one thing, and as soon as i decided to just let it go and let it be-other things started coming up in my life that assured me "You'll be ok".

I was almost stressing that I was soooo short on money- I mean, I got paid and my bank account was still on 0... That same day I came home and received a few checks in the mail- actually i received checks 2 days in a row.

I can't help but say "wow"- if you believe, it will happen. If you enjoy what you have or know what you want, God will make sure you will continue to receive those pleasures or necessities.  Thank you God.

Oh! I had something at home (work out equipment) that wasn't working properly. I was so angry because I just got it after waiting for it for about month. I didn't want to stress it- i just took time (when i was calm and knew that I would'nt get all crazy and upset) and tried to fix it myself. that didn't work. I just called the company (Bowflex) and they said they'll send me a new one. Just like that-- "Ok ma'am, we'll send a new one out in the mail." I asked if I had to mail the old one back- they said "no"... Wow- I mean, i thought that was great. I was expecting expensive shipping costs and such. NOPE...

That made my day...

Yes I know- I am that easy to please. It's the small things that make me happy.

a phone call, a walk in the park, afternoon jog or game of tennis... anything...

Hmm- I think I'm going to go to the gym and work out for like- ever... lol just because...

Maybe pick Des up from school and head to the movies right after...  

Enjoy the day Everyone!!!

You don't find it, it finds you..

It's not who- it's when.

Yea, I know- i'm watching a movie and these things make sense.lol.
comments?
If u don't want to post it, email me
glorisel@live.com