2 posts from May 2009

Would it be weird if I, someone whose ‘scene’ changes more in one week than most in a year, wanted a change of scene?

Probably not, like if you really thought about it.  Despite our differences, you, reader, and me, writer, our lives are probably pretty routine, and sometimes even boring.

I have a longer commute than you to work, but in the end, I still work in an office, and am surrounded by coffee drinkers w/ not so pleasant breathe.  

I’ve been gone for a minute (now I’m back with the jumpoff)…sike…I felt the urge to write because I spent the afternoon w/ people who are not in my usual ‘circle’.  I saw a one woman show at the Nuyorican Café and I enjoyed myself a lot.  I don’t recall if it was called ‘call me crazy’ or the ‘diary of a mad social worker’ but it was good.

A woman went through her life as a social worker, from being a hungry college student to being an underpaid, underappreciated, overworked social worker.  

Have we all been there?  Some point in our life? Or is it just me that sort of feels like it’s a cycle that many go through.  Do we ever find ourselves so passionate about something, giving our all and yet, at the end of the day, it doesn’t feel worth it?  I’m probably not phrasing it in the best way, but I came out of there thinking damn, that shit sucks.

I never really knew what working w/ drug users, or prostitutes was like because I never had. I’ve also never experienced w/ drugs that weren’t prescribed to me by someone w/ an MD following their name, so that was a new everything to me.  I’m cultured and all that, and consider myself to be well rounded, but one thing I’m happy to be ‘naïve’ about is the whole drug world, and everything that’s in it.

Just last week I had someone point out to me crack bags on my block and all I thought was damn, for real? Are you certain? Like for real, for real?...yea…well, I didn’t know what they were supposed to look like, or that they were around me, but apparently they are.  And probably quite heavy users of them because there were a bunch of baggies…had he not pointed it out to me, I would’ve considered believing I lived in an upscale hood.  NOT.

We all have different drivers in our lives. Many of us work to pay bills, and other fortunate ones actually love what they do.  Those that love what they do get more than a paycheck at the end of their pay cycle.  I’ll be corny and say their soul probably gets a bit paid, or that their heart gets filled with joy, but that’s probably far from the truth. The one thing ill say is that although you may be underappreciated in whatever you do in your life, regardless if its work, or simply your life, things you do with love and passion usually turn out better than others.

My mom has this lil’ mother Theresa thingie in her car and it says, to never stop being nice, or doing things for others, even if they don’t do it back.  Blah, blah, blah and another blah to end it.

Back to my first statement.  I want a change of scene. I go to work and am surrounded by great coworkers.  Coworkers that I consider friends.  And I love it, I wont lie, but its almost as if I live two lives.  I come ‘home’ to NYC and since I started taking care of my cute lil’ 8 year old sister, I’ve been dealing with the realities of being a mom.  A mom because I know I’m the comfort my lil one yearns for, and although im frustrated at times, the one thing I want to do is make sure shes happy.  I’ve given up some non-fulfilling aspects of my life, to lay in bed in the morning, really early, to watch cartoons and comfort tears.  I go out and wonder when I’ll see her, or how she feels, or if shes eaten well, and besides it growing on me like fungus, this new responsibility is a lot more than I signed up for.

Dealing with myself reincarnated as an 8 year old has sort of become more aware of the things that go on around me.  I was once this innocent child that believed everything she heard, and that got everything she ever wanted from daddy, and now as the 24 yr old hot momma that I am, I realize daddy won’t ever give me what I really want. As kids in school, we never got to pick our teachers, and now as adults I realize we can pick our friends and the people we surround ourselves with. My tolerance for bullshit and lies has decreased a lot.  I will thank my ‘oh so lovely past and present for that.  Work and life has kept me busy and as I lie in bed, on this Sunday night, the one thing I’m the most grateful for is to be alone. Its all good.  Being alone feels amazing. Interpret that as you wish. This ‘lone ranger may continue being ‘unavailable’ to the XY chromosome-carrying beings until the end of 2009.  There’s no one I would rather be w/ right now, beside myself.

its your bday dude and i hope you enjoy it :)

its been a while...like always...it seems thats the way i start my latest posts nowadays...

a lot on my mind and tons to express but of course no time.

i have training in the am, but tomorrow i will try to get on vox and shed some light into the things that have been running through my mind.

i had a great day at work today, in part due to an internal meeting held at our client site.  we met w/ someone from upper management and like one of my coworkers told me she drank the kool aid...i had a sip of it too...i was sooooooooo motivated....ill write more tomorrow...